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Owen Belltower

Owen Belltower

Woods Hole Activists Rebel Against Fascist Meter Maid

January 15, 2019
Last week Falmouth Police responded to a vandalized wall in Woods Hole, it read "RESIST" and featured a bright orange ticket held out by a dark figure in the shape of a parking ticket enforcement officer.

Community Comes Together In Quest To Avoid Family

November 22, 2018
There's a new excuse to skip your family holiday plans and it's catching fire with the Cape community. All you have to do is drop-in at the local senior center and post a selfie. Within hours, your family will quickly forget that you've managed to avoid them and their emotional baggage.

Dad At Local Beach Becomes Envy Of Other Men With Effortless, Single-Trip Haul

July 18, 2018
MASHPEE - Eyes were locked on this mysterious man's train of beach equipment and accessories as he dragged them across the sand. He carried an aire of confidence about him, as if life was under his complete and utter control. "This guy just brought it to the next level," Carl said excitedly.

Property Values In Hot Osprey-Nest Market Soar To Record Beak

July 15, 2018
It was only a couple years ago that a young Osprey family could barely afford a nest on the Cape. Even older couples had trouble keeping up with a one-family fixer-upper, citing sky-high costs for branches and twigs on remote telephone poles.

Two-Year Eastham Resident Groans About Tourists, Flicks Cigarette

July 09, 2018
With a thick Boston accent, Darla Metcalfe rambled on the inconveniences of living in a tourist destination. "These people just don't care, there's no respect!" she growled, cutting someone off before turning into a crowded Dunkin Donuts drive-thru.

That Guy With Too Many Buoys on His Lawn To Be Featured In Next Episode of Hoarders

April 20, 2018
Neighbors aren't surprised, "I knew he had a problem by the 37th buoy," Margaret Butenfold says, admitting that the average person should have no more than zero buoys.

Storm Forces Locals To Choose Persy's Place Due To Long Lines At Literally Every Other Breakfast Joint

March 05, 2018
"Our reasoning was, the extra fat and cholesterol from their low quality ingredients would probably help us to stay warm until the power gets restored."

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