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Owen Belltower

Owen Belltower

That Guy With Too Many Buoys on His Lawn To Be Featured In Next Episode of Hoarders

April 20, 2018
Neighbors aren't surprised, "I knew he had a problem by the 37th buoy," Margaret Butenfold says, admitting that the average person should have no more than zero buoys.

Storm Forces Locals To Choose Persy's Place Due To Long Lines At Literally Every Other Breakfast Joint

March 05, 2018
"Our reasoning was, the extra fat and cholesterol from their low quality ingredients would probably help us to stay warm until the power gets restored."

"Riveting!" Chatty Employee Exaggerates Enjoyment Of HIPAA Compliance Webinar

February 21, 2018
When he's not knee-deep in providing excellent customer service, Tom Mcleung likes to lay it on thick. Too old to be naive, too young to be jaded and unproductive, Tom hits the sweet spot of corporate culture's ideal employee. Like the young whippersnapper that he is, prepared with a draft agenda of several bullet points worth of ideas and questions, Tom was ready to soak up knowledge from one of the region's thought leaders on cost effective compliance. "There's actually a lot of interesting th

OCD Sufferer Lets Loose At Best Buy Setting All TV's To "Perfect Volume" Of Even Numbers

February 17, 2018
Retail staff were stunned to see the anxiety on a customer's face as she grabbed several remotes and danced around the TV section. She suffers from what is called VOCD, *volume obsessive compulsive disorder* which triggers an overwhelming feeling of anxiety when volume is set to "bad" numbers.

Barnstable Sheriff Warns Residents Of Full-Blown Gephyrophobia Outbreak

January 27, 2018
BOURNE - The Cape Cod community is in panic after thousands of residents are reporting an epidemic of gephyrophobia, a terrifying fear of bridges. It takes nearly 60 seconds to cross the bridge, plenty of time to crap your pants and slow your car to a complete stop, causing hours of traffic.

Naive Girl Working The Checkout At Wholefoods Thinks Everything Is "Just So Awesome"

December 22, 2017
It's a nice experience at Whole Foods, everyone is chipper as a bug in springtime. Especially that one chick who is way happier than anyone around her. You can hear her talking as you approach the checkout line.

Republicans Add Last Minute "Trickle-Down Gift Giving" As Amendment To Tax Bill

December 16, 2017
Instead of giving gifts to your friends and family, Republicans think it would be better to give all your gifts to the wealthy, which will stimulate the economy and inevitably trickle down to your family.

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