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New Guy Feels Like Real American After Getting Anti-Depressants

SANDWICH - It hasn't been easy for Christoph McDermott over the past year. What was once his goal to become a U.S. citizen and live the American dream has become a bittersweet victory for Christoph and his family.

Christoph adjusts his overalls, "Ah was like, this place a wee bit dark, no? So damn foggy, and ma rent is higher than Nancy's panties for feck's sake!"

He's been on edge since he arrived in Cape Cod last month. "It's always so damn foggy, where da' fuck is me sunlight?!" he said staring out the window.

Friends of his say he's taken a sudden interest in coffee instead of tea and may have a legitimate addiction to ice cream. "He's gained at least 20 lbs since he got here. It doesn't look healthy." His diet would normally include salad, which Christoph shrugged off, saying it doesn't "fill him up" anymore.

We asked his coworkers how he's doing: "He's anxious, depressed, doesn't eat well, and neglects to exercise. He's fitting in great! We're surprised how well he adapted to American culture."

When asked about Christoph's plans for the holidays, he said he has no interest in family anymore and would rather watch (American) football by himself with a cold six pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon.