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Total 17 Posts

New Guy Feels Like Real American After Getting Anti-Depressants

December 01, 2018
It hasn't been easy for Christoph McDermott, a new U.S. citizen. We asked his coworkers how he's doing: "He's anxious, depressed, doesn't eat well, and neglects to exercise. He's fitting in very well."

Community Comes Together In Quest To Avoid Family

November 22, 2018
There's a new excuse to skip your family holiday plans and it's catching fire with the Cape community. All you have to do is drop-in at the local senior center and post a selfie. Within hours, your family will quickly forget that you've managed to avoid them and their emotional baggage.

Dad At Local Beach Becomes Envy Of Other Men With Effortless, Single-Trip Haul

July 18, 2018
MASHPEE - Eyes were locked on this mysterious man's train of beach equipment and accessories as he dragged them across the sand. He carried an aire of confidence about him, as if life was under his complete and utter control. "This guy just brought it to the next level," Carl said excitedly.

Two-Year Eastham Resident Groans About Tourists, Flicks Cigarette

July 09, 2018
With a thick Boston accent, Darla Metcalfe rambled on the inconveniences of living in a tourist destination. "These people just don't care, there's no respect!" she growled, cutting someone off before turning into a crowded Dunkin Donuts drive-thru.

Barnstable Sheriff Warns Residents Of Full-Blown Gephyrophobia Outbreak

January 27, 2018
BOURNE - The Cape Cod community is in panic after thousands of residents are reporting an epidemic of gephyrophobia, a terrifying fear of bridges. It takes nearly 60 seconds to cross the bridge, plenty of time to crap your pants and slow your car to a complete stop, causing hours of traffic.

Naive Girl Working The Checkout At Wholefoods Thinks Everything Is "Just So Awesome"

December 22, 2017
It's a nice experience at Whole Foods, everyone is chipper as a bug in springtime. Especially that one chick who is way happier than anyone around her. You can hear her talking as you approach the checkout line.

Army Veteran Brushes Up On Medical Training While Mending Burrito Wound At Hyannis Bistro

December 12, 2017
To Jake Lackey, burritos are a way to train for his doctorate as a medical surgeon while also catching up on some delicious beans and fresh salsa. I prefer to order extra ingredients so the burrito bursts open with wounds of mexican-inspired flavor. Then, I operate.

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