Life

OSTERVILLE - The local fire department was called to the scene of a one-car crash early Sunday morning. Joell Bumgardner, who was the driver of the vehicle, claimed "that pole wasn't there a second ago,"

It hasn't been easy for Christoph McDermott, a new U.S. citizen. We asked his coworkers how he's doing: "He's anxious, depressed, doesn't eat well, and neglects to exercise. He's fitting in very well."

There's a new excuse to skip your family holiday plans and it's catching fire with the Cape community. All you have to do is drop-in at the local senior center and post a selfie. Within hours, your family will quickly forget that you've managed to avoid them and their emotional baggage.

MASHPEE - Eyes were locked on this mysterious man's train of beach equipment and accessories as he dragged them across the sand. He carried an aire of confidence about him, as if life was under his complete and utter control. "This guy just brought it to the next level," Carl said excitedly.

With a thick Boston accent, Darla Metcalfe rambled on the inconveniences of living in a tourist destination. "These people just don't care, there's no respect!" she growled, cutting someone off before turning into a crowded Dunkin Donuts drive-thru.

BOURNE - The Cape Cod community is in panic after thousands of residents are reporting an epidemic of gephyrophobia, a terrifying fear of bridges. It takes nearly 60 seconds to cross the bridge, plenty of time to crap your pants and slow your car to a complete stop, causing hours of traffic.

It's a nice experience at Whole Foods, everyone is chipper as a bug in springtime. Especially that one chick who is way happier than anyone around her. You can hear her talking as you approach the checkout line.